No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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