Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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