I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
