I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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