can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize