did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant