I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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