I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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