We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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