All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
