I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
