I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Randomize
