Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
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im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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