He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
