In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
