This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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