I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
