The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
FUCK WHALES
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
