No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
