Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
