he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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