Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
