She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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