so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
