he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
