She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize