I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
