it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
