this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
