dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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