It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
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Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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