i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
