Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
