see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
