His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
