someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
