I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
