i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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