So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
