A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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