i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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