So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey