Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD