He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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