how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
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I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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