I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
