what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
