I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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