ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
