Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
