Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think I just sharted jello shots
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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