Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
