Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
