i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize