dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
