i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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