Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
