I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
