my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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