i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
